Hey Guys, this is my first propper book. please read the first bit of the 1st Chapter.
I am sick and tired of people saying they have a hard life because of jobs and children, they are overreacting, they don’t know how hard life is sometimes for me. I have all this sh//t on my back and they are complaining about that? They take life for granted, my life is full of sh//t, and I can’t change it, I want to change it. That’s what makes me angry, life. The way people just toss their life into the unknown, not knowing what can happen, well I did that, now look at me; so angry, so broken, so sad and so confused.
This is what I am; I can’t change it now, what happened, happened. It’s not like I can change the past can I? My dad used to say “Eliza, your life will be the best life ever” I can’t help crying now, when my dad used to say that, I believed him, but now, I am alone forever. He died, my mom died, my sister died. I am broken mess. I want to die, be with them. Be with Alicia, Mom and Dad but I can’t and it’s eating me up inside.
Robert, my best guy friend, is the only person I know left alive. He’s kind with me, he knows how hard it’s been and he says it going to stop but it never does. It is almost like, whatever I touch it dies. It’s like the ripple effect when a teardrop falls from my face, whoever lies in its way gets hurt and sometimes it’s my enemies or my best friends. I want to change it. I want to change who I am. I have tried many times but I can’t, it always brings me back to the way I am. The bi//ch who ruins lives. The girl who’s the teardrop. The Teenager who ruins every ones lives just by a touch.
I know many people reading this may think, that I am a loser or I overreact at people, if you think that that then stuff you, because now, I am who I am. I am not the person you think I am. I may be weak and sad, but I have a hell of lot of guts. I may be broken and angry but I can kill. But one thing you don’t know, I regret every single decision I ever make and I don’t come back from it and if anyone out there knows what I am talking about, it lives with you and it never ever lets go from you. It sticks to you, sticks to your heart and your soul and let me tell you one thing you can never ever come back from that. It hurts to see people go through what I been through, no, actually, what I am going through.
I don’t wanna be who I am, of course I don’t. I don’t think anyone wants to be in my position, causing the ripple effect. I don’t know how I got here, My mom used to say to me, that I was born into a magical family, I always thought that she meant she will love me, but I guess she meant that in entirely different way. Well, that means if my family was magical, I was the curse. It still hurts when I think about her, Alicia and Dad. It makes me think what has happened, what I’ve become, and to me, it’s a very scary image and I can’t handle it. The way they died, I can’t talk about it, it brings me to tears just by thinking that, I don’t know what I am going to do, when I loose every one, what the , it’s already happened, all I have left is Robert, but I doubt now he’ll want anything to do with me, seeing as I am the death sentence.
Maybe I should go and talk to Robert, make sure he is okay, that I am okay, well that would be a huge lie, but I need an excuse to talk to him to see if he’s dealing with this good. He only just learned about me, about my life and I think he can’t handle it, soon the realization will kick in and he’ll run so far away he’ll be off the map, just like everyone else did.
So like said, I will visit Rob, so I grab my coat and walk out of the door and it hits me, that I have missed the outdoors, the smell of fresh air, the smell of fall in the air. I smiled, I have missed the world, and everything is coming back to me, what I love about this world, which may be the only things I love about this world, the smell of cut gr, the sweet smell of the roses blooming in my neighbour’s garden. For once I feel that, it’s my place of freedom, where I can play without any worries, no-one to hurt. But then I snap back into reality and start walking to Rob’s house.
I notice that it has been a long time since I was outdoors, school has new paint, and new houses have been built. Everything is new, it’s like I don’t even know this town now, and I must have been lost in my head to notice. Well, then again, I am always lost in my head.
I knock on Rob’s door twice and the door opens and I find him, beaten up, tired and emotional, as soon as he saw me, he slammed the door. That happiness I was feeling before? Well that’s gone now. “Rob, wait!” I shout, before the door completely slammed, then with hesitation he opens up the door again “Just let me explain, well I can’t Rob, to be completely honest with you, my life is a mess too,” I start saying, hoping Rob will be the guy I met 2 months ago, kind, gentle and caring. “I don’t know what to do, please help me” and that’s where I start loose it, fear and sadness takes over my body and my legs to turn to jelly and I collapse on the floor, the next thing I knew, was seeing Rob fall to the ground too, but not because of anxiety like me, because his heart stopped.
Once I regained consciousness, Rob was laying there, his face swollen, with bruises and cuts, I wonder what had attacked him, probably one of the things I helped to create, then I lose it again, I helped to create this? I didn’t want this, I wanted my family back, and my friends back, my enemies back even my teachers back. I can’t cry, I can’t shed another tear, otherwise someone else will, get hurt, for once I want it to be me, so I can be with everyone again, not in this horror, not in this world where everyone I know is either dead, or hurt.
Then once again, I snap back into reality and Rob was still lying there, then a sudden realization came to me, he’s dead! I kneel down and shake Rob until there’s no point anymore now I can’t help crying, I run out of the door straight to my house, until I find there is not my house, It is not even a house, it’s kind of like a bomb has hit it, black rubble everywhere, left over bits of my house. Kind of symbolic really, it’s basically saying “This is you; all of your life is ruined, like your house,”
I have nowhere to go; I don’t have anyone to turn to. This is my life now, beaten up, horrible, disgusting, lonely and dead
I sit down by the rubble and start thinking for ideas, something needs to come up, how am I going to last if I am like this? Then I rethink what I has just thought “Maybe I don’t want to last” I said out loud without thinking, then I slapped my hand around my mouth ‘I can’t think like that, I have to stay alive. I thought ‘I have to, for Alicia, Mom and Dad’ then it came to me that I have nothing left to their name, not one item of clothing. They are well and truly gone, but I don’t want them to go, I am not ready yet to let go of them.
Sometimes when I sleep, actually if I sleep, if I am not having nightmares about what has happened in the past, I hear Alicia talking to me, telling me about her day at school, how all the kids liked her and wanted to be her friend, waking me up at night when she had a bad dream, I was horrible to her when that happened, because I wanted some sleep, but now I feel so terrible about it. She comes and haunts my dreams, but not in a bad way, so I can hear her voice again, feels like she was never gone. When I wake up from that I cry not because I am sad, because I know I still have her in my heart as well as Mom and Dad. I have a weight off shoulders but the next night I have those nightmares and the weight comes back crashing on my shoulders again.
After today all I want to do is sleep, but the images of Rob, Alicia, Mom, Dad and all the others that have died, haunt my dreams. But I have to go to sleep then the next morning I can figure out how I am going to stay alive and what I am going to do with my life from now on. Oh, what the , my whole life is ruined. What do I have to live for? My life? Don’t think so, It’s already down the drain, already ruined, so what the am I living for? Death? That may be the only option I’ve got, what else? I think about this for a while, but then I remembered that I should’ve never have forgotten ‘I have to do this for my family, for Alicia, Rob, Mom and Dad; I have to do this for all the people I have hurt in my life. They would be proud of me, even though I have put them through this hell and although I can’t see them, they see me, the will still love me, I know they will, I just know.’ So I banish the thought out of my head and get up and start walking, into the unknown, where I hope, there will be some happiness there for me even if it’s a tiny bit, I need some of it right now because I am living in a hell and I don’t know how to defeat the devil and it’s breaking me apart.
Once I start walking, I feel something eerie lingering behind me, just staying there never moving. I stopped in my tracks and heard the sound of its breathing. It was heavy, kind of like it ran miles and miles and stopped to catch some of its breath back. I thought for a split second it might be a jogger out on its daily run, but it still had the spine chilling aura about it. I wondered if I should turn around just to see who it is, or maybe what it is, I start getting really scared about this, my heart races and it must have noticed it and it suddenly took a step. The step was heavy like it had steel boots on. I quickly turned my face and I saw something I’d never thought I’d see, me, I didn’t have steel boots on, they were my favourite boots, brown with gold studs on it. I had my favourite clothes on. Then my “Clone” spoke “Eliza, I am not you, even though you are thinking it I am not.” “Then who are you?” I said so confused and lost, what the hell is this? “I am your devil” Just as I registered this, she grabbed my arm and pulled me to the wall. I was still confused. She pushed me so hard my head hit the wall so much force, I blacked, but just before I did, I heard her laugh.
It feels like I have been out for days because the amount of dreams or should I say nightmares were so horrific I think I screamed while I was out. But there was one nightmare that made my heart stop; it was about Alicia, as a baby. Once it started, I thought it was a good dream; it was the day Mom brought her home from the hospital, I remembered it like it was yesterday, her pink fresh face and her tiny hand, I knew that I would love her as her sister at that moment.
As the dream went on, it felt like my life again until one moment, just one moment I knew something wasn’t right. My mom seemed to hate me, she’s normally moody but I remember specifically she was happy as a child in a sweet shop. But it carried on and on until I spoke “Are you okay?” then her voice was so gruff I barley could understand her but somehow I heard her so clear “You killed her! You’re the one who is supposed to die! Not us! You don’t deserve to be here, you are not us, and you are the curse that can never be broken” I think another thought came into my head and the dream vanished but the words replayed in my head over and over wondering whether what she said was true.
Once I woke up, I was covered in sweat and my voice crackled. I sat up and cried and cried until my eyes dried up and had no tears to shed, but I still cried in my mind and in my heart. Then I realize all of those teardrops represent every sing person I have hurt or killed, I just wish I can take it back, I really, really wish I can. But I have to stay strong, so I wipe my eyes and get up and I finally see what I have done, how much damage I have done. Every single person pops into my mind, which I have killed or hurt and it makes me angry, this is an unusual emotion in my life, all I have ever felt is sadness. Then, I remember why I am angry, me, my clone.
Her, or me said “You know you’ll never be good enough for them, never” And she smiled, I wanted a really good comeback but all I could get out was “I know” “So, Eliza” She started to say, but my eyes must have been bad because her body started to move, no it wasn’t and just before I could blink, her whole body turned into a person, who I know I will just break down by their feet, Alicia.
Her face was the exact same as she was, she looked bright, fresh and her. I smiled and then remembered who she really was. My Devil. Every single breath I took was fast an short and every single thought in my head was bad, so bad; I nearly started to cry ‘How can she do this?’ ‘Why does she do this?” Then I quickly banish the thoughts out of my head because something much more bad was happening, my devil turned into everyone I killed. Mom, Dad, Rob, My Grandparents, Everyone, I guess this is what it takes to break me, but yet I do not shed another tear.
My “Devil’s” face just turned into a horrible smile and whilst changing people she said “Maybe you want to say goodbye?” “Actually, maybe you can say your last goodbyes?!” I shouted at her. All that I anger that I could not have then, I have it all now. A rush adrenalin ran through my body and out of nowhere my arm lifted and I punched her in the stomach, she staggered back, but still changing faces and voices, it was scary seeing her like that, but just as I thought this, her wrist came and punched me so hard that it hurt to breathe but all I am thinking now is ‘Want a fight?’
It seems like the fight went on forever, I have bruised everywhere and I mean everywhere, I think my heart is bruised because it hurts too much to breathe and my “Devil” looks worse than me, her eye is swollen and bruised, her leg is bent in an awkward position and she can’t move. I smiled and said “You don’t like it do you? All the pain I have felt, finally you get it.” I smirked excepting her to grimace, but she just smiles. She got up and twisted her leg right, I grimaced at the sound, then I got it, you can’t hurt a devil.
I got up too, ready to fight, again. But all she does is turn around and start walking, walking into the unknown. Just like I did when Mom told me that I had this curse on me and I had to be very careful with what I did with my life. Guess that didn’t work out. I was in the worse possible state. Not realizing what I have done and what lies ahead of me.
I watched her leave, not looking back, not saying anything. Just walking and walking, doing nothing. I just kept on watching her, seeing if she would stop and turn around and make me guiltier about what I have done, but nothing. So I finally spoke up “What are you doing?” Then she stops and turns around to face me and says “You don’t get it do you? I am you in some ways. I don’t have your blood or feelings or thoughts. But my life is messed up too, don’t you see? I have to do this, I have no choice. I don’t have a curse, but I have to be in your life” It takes a while for me to register this. It almost felt like she was human. But after that she kept on walking like when I a CD player stop, with an abrupt end to it.